


My mind

by scarletchidori



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Blood, Gen, Guilt, JJ loves Reid, My First Work in This Fandom, Near Death Experiences, Reid loves JJ, There's Will too in the end, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-24
Updated: 2020-02-24
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:28:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22885561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scarletchidori/pseuds/scarletchidori
Summary: When she sees him she thinks she’s dreaming, she cannot focus on his face or voice, hearing everything through the fog of her brain and her body that tries to keep her alive.
Relationships: Jennifer "JJ" Jareau & Spencer Reid, Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Spencer Reid
Comments: 4
Kudos: 58





	My mind

**Author's Note:**

> So my first work in this fandom. I've been a fan of Criminal Minds for many years, and I always shipped JJ and Reid. I still have to watch season 15, so I'm not really sure about this. I watched the scenes where JJ is shot and the aftermath and all I could think of was "I have to write something". I really hope you will like it. The relationship can be read as romantic or platonic, is up to you to decide.
> 
> As always kudos are really appreciated, and if you want let me know what you think.

_“You pierce my lungs_

_My limbs go numb as my colors fade out_

_You watch me bleed_

_You watch me bleed”_

_(Watch me bleed - Scary Kids Scaring Kids)_

  
  


*

  
JJ has been shot. She feels like she’s drowning in her own blood, maybe she is drowning. 

She should know better; never let your guard down, and she did the very thing she isn’t supposed to do. She’s struggling to focus, to keep her eyes open, she feels the blood soaking her clothes and staining her hair.

She struggles to breathe, and she wishes she was strong enough to scream for help.

“JJ, what’s your location?”, Spencer asks “JJ, do you copy? JJ?”

She can’t talk, but she knows that Spencer will check on her, he knows where she is. When she sees him she thinks she’s dreaming, she cannot focus on his face or voice, hearing everything through the fog of her brain and her body that tries to keep her alive.

“It’s ok,” he says “It’s ok, it’s ok, I got you,” she focuses her gaze on him, but he’s blurry. Every part of her wants to see his face and hear his voice loud and clear. She hears her heart beating in her ears, numbing everything around her.

“You’re gonna be ok,” he reassures her “Just stay with me, ok?”

_Yes_ , she wishes she could say. Yes. She doesn’t want to die, her family needs her, her children and her friends. And Spence needs her, as she needs him. She struggles and her body is on fire.

  
“Stay with me and keep breathing.”

“JJ’s down,” she hears him say “She’s been hit.”

Her sense went out and for a moment she no longer felt the pain that seemed to kill her every time she breathed.

“Jennifer.”

“She’s been hit,” someone says “Someone has to go with her.”

_Spencer,_ she thinks _. Spencer, please._

“I’ll go,” Spencer says “I’ll let you know as soon as possible, I need to go with her.”

‘I love you’, she said. And it’s true. Jennifer loves Spencer, she has always loved him. A part of her heart will belong to him forever, a piece of her soul will never belong to William.

“Sit down next to her,” one of the doctors says “Keep talking to her, okay? Let her know that she’s not alone.”

“Jennifer,” Spencer whispers softly in her ear “Jennifer, please, you have to hold on, okay? Your kids need you, and Will too.”

“We are almost there.”

“Jennifer,” Spencer whispered again “Please don’t die”, the anguish in his voice is too real and one of the doctors looks at him with sorrow. Perhaps it’s her husband, the nurse thinks, that must be hard.

Everything starts to get dark, everything around her becomes invisible, and she cannot focus on anything anymore. The sounds, the voices, and finally she disappears too in dense fog that threatens to drown her forever.

*

“I keep going over it in my head,” Spencer says unsure that she can hear him “and I don’t know how I didn’t realize you were missing sooner.”

Spencer keeps thinking about the pain she was in, and the fear she must have felt the moment she realized that she could die in that parking area. Blood soaking her clothes, her hair and her face. The fear she saw in her face when he told her that everything was going to be okay.

“I’m so sorry,” he says “I know things between the two of us have been kind of weird lately…”

No sign that she can hear him, but she’s alive.

“Ever since you said you love me,” he says “You said it and I heard it, and the things is, I just… I…”

He has difficulty finding the words to explain what he feels, but he must do it. For himself and for her, because there’s a slight chance that she can hear him.

“I don’t know what to do with that,” he whispers “I mean, I know why you said it.”

JJ cannot move her body, she feels so tired, but she hears a voice, Spencer’s voice. Is he talking to her? Or she’s dead and this is some sort of paradise?

“I just don’t know… Maybe you meant it.”

_I did_ , she wished she could say. _I do love you._

“And if you did, what does that mean?”, he asks “When you didn’t bring it up after the wedding, I.. I didn’t either ‘cause I just…”

The room is filled with silence.

“I didn’t know how to talk to you about it, so instead I just stopped talking to you.”

It’s not her fault or his, things like this happened. JJ has never been shot, not even once, and now she’s here fighting for her life. No matter what he thinks he keeps seeing her in a pool of her own blood, struggling to breathe and not even able to move.

“And that is not what I mean to happen,” he feels his eyes prickling with tears “And now, all of a sudden, none of that matters. All that matters is that…”

_JJ wishes to open her eyes and hug him. He’s feeling guilty, but they both are. He stopped talking to her, and she tried to cope with the fact that her secret wasn’t a secret anymore._

“Is that you wake up and that I get to have more time with you,” fear threatens to suffocate him while he’s talking “Ah, I guess… I can’t imagine my life without you.”

_Me neither, JJ manages to think. She needs to wake up and she knows it. She can hear Reid, she’s capable of elaborate thoughts, so her brain didn’t take any neurological damage._

“Please don’t leave me.”

**

“Spence.”

Reid suddenly wakes up. He’s so tired, so so tired.

“Wake up. She’s awake.”

Opening his eyes, Reid understands that JJ is fine. Because otherwise Will wouldn’t be so happy.

  
“She wants to see you,” Will says helping to get up “Come on, it’s good.”

  
Will isn’t blind. He knows that their affection towards each other is strong. Sometimes he thinks that he’s in love with her. Other times he’s so sure that she’s in love with him too. But never said anything. Not for fear or jealousy, but because he doesn’t want to hurt them. He loves his wife very much, and he cares about Spencer too. 

“I’m gonna get the boys, man,” he whispers hugging him, subtly telling him to go and talk to her and resolve whatever has been going on between them. Jennifer has been acting weird recently, and he’s sure is because something happened between her and Reid.

He rubs his eyes, in the vain attempt to wake up, and the runs towards JJ’s room, hoping to be able to repair what is the deepest relationship he has.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm trying my best to not make mistakes (English is not my first language) but if you see some mistakes please let me know!


End file.
